I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
not ubering you a puppy
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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