When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
