just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
