My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
