I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
