remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
