I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
