Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
