I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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