haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
