she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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