I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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