Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm like, not good at living.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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