I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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