Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
