i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize