So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
