Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
