he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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