I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
