guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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