I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize