she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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