She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
