After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
