just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
that's an acceptable place to lick
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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