what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
