I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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