Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize