people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I touched a dick in church today
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
