I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
