drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
