I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just pee around me
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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