I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
