We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
