she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
