Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
