im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
