i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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