Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
