i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
