i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
