i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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