I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
