Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
someone threw a dead crab at me
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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