Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
