On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
