I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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