My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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