so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
