I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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