Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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