You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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