oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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