I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
