Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
