i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My feet surprised me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
