I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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