i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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