you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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