Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
