Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
