i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
