Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have fence marks all over my body
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
